


Moving Forward

by TheBigLoserQueen



Series: Office AU [5]
Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Crying, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Het, Human, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Language, Men Crying, One-Sided Attraction, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Assault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 05:29:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4693814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBigLoserQueen/pseuds/TheBigLoserQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thornstriker doesn't know if she and Bloodshed can continue their relationship after everything that's happened.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Moving Forward

Spring break. It was normally a time where people went out to the beach with their friends and had fun for a week. But, of course, there were those who needed to work on their chemistry assessment and final paper. Some blew the homework off, but Thornstriker wasn’t one of those people. She had to get this done early so she could bring it to the professor to look over in order to make sure she was doing everything correctly.   
  
Of course, to say that she wasn’t a little bored or lonely would have been a lie. She was the only one staying in the college house for spring break. Nebula had gone off to do whatever it was Nebula did whenever she traveled out by herself. Mirage and Novabomb had gone out to basically get lost in the city. Bloodshed had gone back home.   
  
Thornstriker bit her bottom lip. Bloodshed… It had been almost four months since she had finally told him about what he did to her back in their junior year. She had wanted to keep what he did a secret, because she knew that he had been drunk and she didn’t want this to ruin his life, but after getting attack on her way home from the library back in January, she couldn’t keep it from him anymore. Especially not after he saved her and the only thanks she gave him was falling in a memory relapse and breaking his nose.   
  
But when she finally told him the truth, she had practically destroyed him. He had begged her for forgiveness, falling to his knees. He was screaming at himself, damning himself for what he had done. And then he just seemed to collapse on himself, sobbing and crying about what he had done to his first best friend, the person he loved most in the world.   
  
Her eyes fell to her hands as she laid them on the table. Bloodshed loved her. He had loved since high school. And she never realized it once… And now he couldn’t even look her in the eye anymore after finding out the pain and fear he caused her. Just like she had with him, he was now avoiding her, not even wanting to touch her. It had even come to the point that he would start to go over to his father’s house, who Thornstriker knew he hated, just to get away from her. But she didn’t try to stop him.   
  
She hated this. She never wanted things to be like this. Bloodshed was her friend, her best friend. She had enjoyed being with him before  _that_  happened. And it wasn’t really his fault; he was drunk. He never wanted to hurt her… But it didn’t make what he did excusable or forgettable. She probably wouldn’t ever forget it.   
  
She shook her head, gently slapping her cheeks. No, she needed to stop thinking about this. It was behind her now. And after they graduated in a couple of months, everything would be over. They would live their own separate lives, living in different places and with different people, perhaps even on their own.   
  
There was something else she needed to worry about. Where would she go after she graduated? Though she had a part time job and still had inheritance money left over from her parents and grandparents, she didn’t think she could really afford to get her own apartment so quickly.   
  
Her brother had offered her a room at his apartment, but she didn’t really want to accept it. Not because she didn’t want to be with her brother, because she did love him; she just didn’t think she would be comfortable living with him and his lover, Wheeljack. They were friends, yes, but she didn’t want to feel like she was intruding. She also didn’t want Airstream, a  _lawyer_ , finding out the crime Bloodshed had committed against her. She didn’t think she’d be able to keep it a secret if she moved in with him.  
  
Well, she was planning on going to graduate school and she had friends in her major that were planning to do the same. Perhaps they could all get an apartment together or something. At least she would still be with friends.    
  
A knock snapped her out of her thoughts. She looked over at the door from the kitchen. Who could that be? The mailman? It was one in the afternoon…  
  
She got up and answered the door, though her eyes widened when she saw who it was. What was he doing here?  
  
“Bombrush?”  
  
The man smiled down at the young woman, nodding to her. “Good afternoon,” he said.  
  
She bit her bottom lip. “Um… Bloodshed’s not here, so–”  
  
“I know,” he interrupted her. “He’s at home now, probably reading or something. I came to speak with you.”  
  
She blinked. With her? Why did he need to talk with her? She was sure he wasn’t going to be hostile or anything as she did trust the man in front of her, but Bloodshed had told her stories about how… violent the adult had been. Though she saw Bombrush as a sweet person, she did not live with him or really know him. He could turn violent at any moment, for all she knew.   
  
“May I come in?” he asked.  
  
She was hesitant, but she nodded, moving out of the way for the man to come inside. When he stepped in, she closed the door behind him.   
  
“Would you like anything to drink?” she offered, walking into the kitchen.  
  
Bombrush followed and shook his head. “No, but thank you.” He sat down at the table, motioning her to sit down as well.  
  
Thornstriker swallowed, but nodded. Well, he did say he needed to speak with her, though she wasn’t sure why. Had she done something? Had Bloodshed done something? Now she found herself a bit worried as to what this was all about. It didn’t help that she was completely confused as well.   
  
The older man sighed. “I’ll get to the point… I don’t want to waste any of your time. Bloodshed told me you were working on assignments and that why you stayed here.”  
  
“N-No, it’s fine, Bombrush. Really, I’m far ahead. I just like getting things done early, that’s all.”  
  
He paused for a moment, looking up at the girl. Getting things done early? He smiled once. She was a good girl. A smart and responsible one. No wonder Bloodshed felt about her the way he did.  
  
His chest tightened at the thought of his son. At first, he had been happy that Bloodshed was visiting him more frequently these past few months. But then he learned the truth behind his visits when Bloodshed admitted to him one night (though it was an accident and the younger man blamed his violence toward Thornstriker on him, as Bombrush had been violent himself when he drank). Now he understood why he had come home in the first place. It was the only way he could get away from the guilt, the shame. And yet, he could see just how much the man hated himself and was only punishing himself as the year continued on.   
  
He feared the worst with this. Bloodshed was always so extreme with things... Not to mention that Thornstriker was the one thing he had placed up on a pedestal in this world. To him, she was his friend, his beloved, his angel, his everything. And, in his mind, he had defiled something so incredibly pure that he had made himself even more unworthy than he once thought he was.   
  
He had done a terrible thing. Bombrush knew this, but he also knew that Bloodshed needed her in his life. If they were just to part ways and never speak again, Bloodshed wouldn't handle it. It was a form of rejection, something the other was horrible at handling. He would know; Bombrush was the same way. Without her in Bloodshed’s life... Bombrush shuddered at the thought.   
  
He huffed. "Thornstriker... Bloodshed told me what happened in your junior year. He told me everything."   
  
She just stared at him for a moment, trying to register what the other was saying. Bloodshed... told him what happened? That he had gotten so drunk to the point where he couldn't judge right from wrong? That he told her that he never saw her as a friend and that being with her was as wonderful as it was painful? That he raped her before passing out drunk?   
  
She paled. No... No... No! No one else was supposed to know about this! She didn't want anyone to know about this! It-It had been an accident! Bloodshed never meant it! She didn't want people to know about this!  
  
Bombrush could see that she was starting to shake in her seat. He would have reached over and tried to comfort her, but he doubted that she wanted to be touched, especially not by someone who looked much like the man who raped her.   
  
"Thornstriker, I'm sorry," he murmured softly. "I didn't want you to remember anything unpleasant... But please, hear me out? I... I have to talk to you about this. Please..."   
  
She hugged herself, trying to soothe her shakes. She bit her bottom lip and swallowed, nodding to him.   
  
"I'm not going to beg you to forgiven him," he said. "You shouldn't be made to do something like that, especially not after what was done to you, but..." Now he sounded like he was just trying to make excuses for his son. But he just needed her to know what Bloodshed never wanted this. He just wanted to love her, not hurt her.   
  
"I-It wasn't his fault!" Thornstriker cried suddenly. "H-He was drunk! I-I should have done something! I-"  
  
"No, no, no..." Bombrush shook his head, trying to shush her as he came over to her, kneeling down in front of her. "I know you don't want to blame him, but don't blame yourself. You couldn't..." His gaze fell to her small, delicate body. She was so weak... She never stood a chance against someone like Bloodshed. "There was nothing you could do. Please, Thornstriker, don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong."  
  
"I could have stopped it...!" she whimpered, burying her face into her hands. "I could have...! I should have...! If only I hadn't been acting like I had been with him...! If I had taken him more seriously...!"  
  
"Thornstriker, you did not do anything to deserve what happened to you." Bombrush had to stop her from talking any further like that. She was the victim, not the instigator. No victim should feel guilty for something done to them that was out of their hands. "You did not ask for it. You did not bring it upon yourself. Don't say you caused it.  _You didn't do anything wrong._ "  
  
She stopped shaking at his words. She had blamed herself for so long that she had started to believe that she had done something to make Bloodshed act the way he did the night he... did that to her. Even though Bloodshed had told her while on his hands and knees that it wasn't her fault, she had still blamed herself. A part of her had still believed that she was responsible for what happened that night. Maybe if she hadn't been wearing what she had been wearing. Maybe if she hadn't been stroking his hair or kissing his cheek. Maybe if she hadn't been so close to him in such a state of mind...   
  
"B-But I-"  
  
"No. Thornstriker, this... What happened was, in the end, Bloodshed's fault. While being drunk makes people do stupid and regrettable things, it doesn't excuse them from responsibility. They are still the ones who did it, even if their mind wasn't all there."  
  
He slowly reached out to her, seeing that tears were rolling down her face. He wiped them away with his thumbs, stroking over the young girl's face. "I know you don't want to blame him, Thornstriker... Because he's your best friend and he's done nothing but protect you and care for you since you were both in high school."   
  
She let out a small sob, nodding as she tried to stop the tears herself, but to no avail.  
  
"You can't blame yourself though... This... is Bloodshed's fault." He  _loathed_  saying it, but it was true. It didn't matter if he was drunk or not. He never should have done that to her. "You don't have to hate him or damn him or anything if you don't want to... Just don't blame yourself because there isn't any blame to place on you. You didn't want it. You never did."   
  
She nodded, trying to wipe the tears away. Maybe she had just needed to hear it from someone else. Just to hear from someone other than the man that raped her that it wasn't her fault. That she had done nothing wrong.   
  
Bombrush patted her head. “You’re a very selfless girl, do you know that?” Then he sighed, taking his hands from her and going back into his seat. “Thornstriker… Have you… any idea on what you’re doing after college?”  
  
She tried to collect herself. “I… I think I’ll be going to graduate school. I-I want to… to get my PhD eventually, so… I need to keep going to school…”  
  
He nodded. “What about your living situation?”  
  
“I… We’re all moving out, but I’m not entirely sure where I’m going. I might live with my brother and his lover until I can afford my own apartment… Or my friends and I may get an apartment and split rent.”  
  
Bombrush nodded, feeling a lump in the back of his throat. For a moment, he didn’t think he could do it. He couldn’t ask her, who had been through so much, to do something like this. It was so wrong of him.   
  
But Bloodshed… He was slowly caving in on himself. It was almost as if he had lost the will to actually live. He feared that if Thornstriker separated herself from him completely… Bloodshed wouldn’t have a reason to live. He couldn’t lose his son… He already lost his wife. He couldn’t lose him. He would just die.   
  
He swallowed, knowing this had to be done. “What about… Bloodshed?”  
  
The young woman paused, looking up at him. “What… What about him?”  
  
“Are you never going to talk to him again after you two graduate?”  
  
She bit her bottom lip, looking down at her hands. That was initially her plan before Bloodshed had found out what he did and told her his feelings. Could she really just abandon him? Before all that happened… He was her best friend. She trusted him and loved him dearly. She even had a crush on him! He had been her best friend for eight years before he did that.   
  
He regretted what he did too. He begged her on his hands and knees for forgiveness, crying and begging her to give him another chance. And she wanted to give him that chance. She wanted to give it to him so badly… But she couldn’t forget what he had done to her. Pinning her down, forcing himself on her, making her do and feel things she didn’t want to do or feel…  
  
But he had been her best friend. She just didn’t know what to do. To cut him out of her life completely would kill him. She knew that. But at the same time, she didn’t know if she could forget it. She probably would never forget it.   
  
“I don’t know,” she finally whimpered, still not looking up.   
  
Bombrush huffed. He didn’t want to have to do make this horrible, selfish request, but it seemed as though he didn’t have much of a choice. Shaking his head, he said softly, “Thornstriker… I know you’ve been through a lot. You’ve been through so much, especially this past year, alone… With no one to turn to.”  
  
She remained silent.  
  
The older man slowly reached into his pocket, feeling the folded paper inside. He pulled it out as he said, “I shouldn’t even be asking you this, especially not after what pain he caused you.”   
  
She looked up, confused. “Wh-What are you… asking me?”  
  
He placed the paper on the table, pushing it toward the paper toward her. She eyed him a bit, obviously still confused as she took the paper and unfolded it. Her jaw dropped as she stared at the blank, signed check.   
  
“This is the most selfish thing anyone could ever ask of you,” Bombrush said, making her look up at him with wide eyes. “I will not allow it to go… uncompensated, if you agree to this.”  
  
“A-Agree to what?”  
  
He took a deep breath, looking her straight in the eye with a desperate look on his face. “Thornstriker, after graduation… Would you… be willing to… to live with Bloodshed?”  
  
She felt the world drop out from under her feet. Bombrush… was asking her to remain roommates with Bloodshed? With the same man who raped her? He… He couldn’t be serious, right?  
  
Seeing her pale, Bombrush quickly tried to get out an explanation. “Thornstriker, please, you don’t have to agree to this,” he said hastily. “I know what he did to you was awful and that you have every right to never even want to see him again. It’s why I am more than willing to compensate if you agree to this selfish request.”  
  
“Wh-Why would you even-”  
  
“Because he  _needs_  you,” the other said desperately. “Please, Thornstriker… I-I would never ask you to do this unless I knew he couldn’t go on… And he can’t…”   
  
"B-But I...! He...!"  
  
"I know, I know." Fuck, he felt awful. He never should have even brought it up... But he had to! Bloodshed was caving in on himself. He didn't want to do anything anymore. He didn't eat unless he was told or asked to eat. He never went out with Novabomb and Nebula anymore as he was always giving some lame excuses. He didn't even  _read_. He would just sit in his room or watch television, never making much of an effort day to day.   
  
Bombrush could see it, which made him want to vomit. Bloodshed was giving up. He didn't want to live with himself for his crime. Thornstriker forgave him for a crime he never wanted to commit, for a crime he felt like he should have been damned for.  
  
It didn't help that Thornstriker continued to tell him it wasn't his fault. While Bombrush knew she was just trying to make him feel better, it only killed Bloodshed inside. He had defiled an angel, his angel. He had raped her and hurt her, forcing the burden of his crime on her for almost a year. And the entire time, he had kept trying to get close to her, even though she tried to pull away and with good reason to.  
  
But, in Bloodshed's mind, he had been selfish. He put her through the worst kind of hell and tried to connect with her afterwards. He made her suffer horribly, when all he wanted to do was love her and protect her. And he had failed, miserably. He didn't want to live.  
  
And Bombrush feared that once Thornstriker left him completely, he rid the world of his existence, just like Pixela had with herself.  
  
Bombrush buried his face into his hands. "I'm sorry," he murmured softly. "Thornstriker, I am so...  _so_  sorry..." He wanted to cry. He wanted to help his son, but he didn't want to make this girl suffer already more than she had. He never wanted to make her go through anything painful again, but he was selfish. So incredibly selfish. Bloodshed was all he had left. If he was gone... Then what?   
  
Thornstriker just looked at the older man, tears trickling down her cheeks. She glanced down at the blank check, not knowing what to do. She just didn't understand. Why would he want her to live with her rapist? It just didn't make sense.  
  
But before she could open her mouth to ask for a reason, the older man said in a cracked voice, "I'm selfish... I'm so horribly selfish for asking you to do something like this."  
  
He dropped his hands, Thornstriker's eyes widening when she saw tears in the corner of his eyes. "Bomb-"  
  
"He... Bloodshed doesn't want to live anymore," he whimpered, looking down at the table.   
  
Thornstriker froze. Bloodshed... didn't want to live? He... wanted to die? Suicidal? He wanted to kill himself? No, no that wasn't the Bloodshed she knew. The Bloodshed she knew may have not have been the most optimistic of men, but he had told her that after Pixela died, he wanted to live for her sake. Because Pixela loved life and she wanted him to love it too. So, because of her, he would live the life she wanted him to love.  
  
And now, Bombrush was telling her that Bloodshed wanted to die? No... No, that wasn't Bloodshed!  
  
"He... He doesn't see a reason to live anymore, after finding out what he forced upon you," Bombrush continued when Thornstriker remained silent, buried in her thoughts. "He just wanted to love you, Thornstriker. Even as a boy, that was all he wanted. And… he sees what he did to you as the ultimate failure. You... give him purpose. You give him reason... And he destroyed all that. He... doesn't think he deserves to live. Not after what he did to you."  
  
"B-But I forgave him!" she cried out, panic rising within in her. "I-I forgave him! I told him it wasn't his fault-"  
  
"And he  _can't_  accept that as an answer. He blames himself so much... He doesn't want your forgiveness because he doesn't think he deserves it, especially when he knows you're just blaming yourself by saying it's not his fault."  
  
Thornstriker said nothing. She remembered when she had tried to tell him it wasn't his fault, that she should have done something. She had never seen him so angry and upset with her for saying such selfless things.   
  
Bombrush bit his bottom lip, looking up at her. "I... I can't lose him. I already lost my wife... Bloodshed is  _all_  I have left. He is my only family. I don't  _care_  if he hates me and doesn't love me. He is all I have left... Thornstriker..." Tears started to pour down his cheeks now, his voice going completely desperate. " _Please..._  I know he put you through hell and I know this is painful for you, but...  _Please_. Stay with my son... Let him live... Please..."   
  
She still remained silent, not knowing what to do. Was she supposed to give an answer now?! She couldn't take all this! She still cared about him, yes! Bloodshed had been her best friend... But he had raped her. He had pinned her down to his bed, took her virginity, and raped her. She could barely stand living here with him sometimes because she was still so afraid. Now she was being asked to live with him?!  
  
But he had been drunk at that time. He had been completely wasted. He never would have done anything so violent sober. He loved her... And she cared about him too. She didn't want him to die. Not over this, not over something she had forgiven him for.   
  
Her mouth wouldn't move though. She just couldn't give him an answer.  
  
Bombrush collected himself, wiping the water from his eyes. "Sorry," he murmured in a hoarse voice. "Thornstriker, I'm so sorry..." He slowly rose to his feet. "I... I'll take my leave now. B-But please... Think about this. D-Don't do it for me or for him or for anyone... Just think about this decision for yourself."  
  
She looked up at him, opening up her mouth to speak as she took a hold of the check.  
  
"No, no," he said. "Keep the check... Just think about everything. Please... When... If you have an answer... Call me. Please. Just..." But he didn't know what else to say to her, already feeling like shit as it was. He shook his head, not wanting to make things worse. "I'm sorry."  
  
Then he turned away from her, walking out of the house and closing the door behind him. Thornstriker didn't see him off, just sitting there at the dining room table and staring at the check before her.   
  
Then, when she heard the door shut, she closed her eyes and cried.

* * *

Three days had passed. Bombrush had still heard nothing from Thornstriker, which only made his heart sink lower and lower. While she had every right to reject his plea, he could only think about Bloodshed wasting away because of her desire to never see him again.   
  
He could see Bloodshed sitting in the living room from the kitchen table, the young man watching television. Bombrush doubted the boy was really watching the program. He was probably just staring at the screen, wasting the minutes time threw at him.   
  
He had gotten thin. Though he was still muscular and everything, he was no longer working out or eating or doing anything, resulting in his body's slow deterioration. It pained him to see this, especially since there was nothing he could do to help him. The only person that could help him, it seems, wanted nothing to do with him. Not after what he forced her to do in his intoxicated state.    
  
He shook his head of such thoughts. Though he knew his son was... a rapist, it pained him to think of him in that light, especially considering he had never hurt a girl in his life (minus that psycho-bitch that tried to beat up Thornstriker). He respected women. He would never hurt a woman... At least not while he was sober.  
  
Bombrush bit his bottom lip, looking down at his hands. Was this his fault? Because he had been a violent drunk, he had passed down that trait to his son? Damn it, he had to stop this! This wasn't about him! This was about Bloodshed and what he needed to do to get him to live.   
  
He stood up and peeked into the living room. "Bloodshed?"  
  
The young man turned to look at him.  
  
Bombrush tried not to flinch at the dead look in his eyes. "Are you hungry?"  
  
He shook his head.  
  
"You sure? I'm heading out to Panda Express." He hoped that maybe the mention of his son's favorite take out place would get him to eat.  
  
Much to his relief, the man seemed to think about it for a bit and nodded. "I guess I'll have the usual."  
  
Bombrush smiled in relief. "All right then. I won't be gone too long." He turned away from the other, grabbing his coat and his keys. As he put on his coat and opened the door, he stopped in his tracks at the sight before him.  
  
With her hand raised up, obviously in a motion to knock on the door, Thornstriker stood there with wide eyes. She dropped her hand and cleared her throat, trying to calm down her racing heart beat. "H-Hello."  
  
"Thorn... Thornstriker?" the older man said, though quietly enough so that Bloodshed wouldn't hear him. He didn't want him to have a negative reaction to her being here.  
  
She nodded, biting her bottom lip. "I... I'm sorry if I caught you at a bad time."  
  
"Oh, no... No, you didn't. I was just going out to get something to eat." He stepped slightly out of the way. "Would you like to come in? Bloodshed... He is home."  
  
"Oh... Th-That's all right. I... I was hoping to speak with him."  
  
His eyes widened. She wanted to talk to him? She was willing to speak with him? Did this mean she had made her decision on the matter? He swallowed, suddenly feeling like he had to do or say something to her before she gave him her answer.  
  
But before he could, she handed him back the check.  
  
"I... I don't need this," she said softly. "I... I understand your good intentions, but... I don't want to have this be a factor with my decision."  
  
His heart sank as he took back the blank check, his hand trembling a little. She was going to reject his request. And while though she had every right to reject it, he just wanted to break down and cry. She had been his only hope. She had been the only one who could have helped Bloodshed.   
  
He swallowed, nodding to himself. "I... understand your decision," he said.  
  
"May... May I still come in and speak to him?" she asked softly.  
  
"Of course... But I'm going out to get some Chinese food from Panda Express. Do... Do you want me to stay here?"  
  
"N-No, no... It's fine," she said, though feeling somewhat anxious with being alone with the other for a little while. But he wouldn't hurt her. He never wanted to hurt her again. She would be fine.  
  
"Have you had dinner? I... I could get you something too."  
  
"O-Oh, no, I don't want to trouble-"  
  
"It's fine," he assured her. "What would you like?"  
  
"Um... Just some orange chicken, chow mein, and fried rice?"  
  
He smiled at that, stepping out of the way to let her in. "I won't be long." Then he stepped outside and closed to the door behind, praying for the best as he walked to his car and left the two college students alone.   
  
Thornstriker bit her bottom lip as she hung up her scarf on the coat rack. She slowly walked inside the house, her heart pounding in her chest. It was weird, seeing in the house again. The last time she was here, she and Bloodshed were heading out to go to their senior prom. That was when things made sense, when things weren't so uncertain or painful...  
  
She knew what she needed to say to him. She had been thinking about it all day, but it went a lot smoother in her head. Now, she was completely nervous and jumpy, especially as she peeked into the living room, Bloodshed not even noticing her. His focus was supposedly on the television, but he wasn't paying attention. He just seemed to be staring out into space, getting completely lost in his thoughts.   
  
She looked away. It was like looking at another person. She knew it was him, but... It was more like an empty shell of him. His body was there, yes, but not his soul. It was too frightening. She had never seen him like that before. She didn't like it. Not at all.   
  
"Bombrush?"  
  
She flinched at the sound of his voice. It was so... hollow. There was no life in it at all. It was so frightening. That wasn't what he sounded like. That wasn't her best friend's voice!  
  
"Did you forget your cell again?"  
  
She forced down the shakes in her body. The silence was too much for her to bear. She would rather hear words than nothing.  
  
"H-Hello, B-Bloodshed."  
  
The younger man froze at the sound of the voice, Thornstriker noticing the life returning to him, though it was more shock and disbelief than any other emotion. She stepped into the room as he jerked his head up, eyes locked on her as she hugged herself, giving him a weak and somewhat forced small smile.   
  
What was she doing here? She wasn't supposed to be here... He had come here so he could get away from her!  
  
He couldn't move his body though. He could only stare at her as she swallowed and slowly walked toward him, looking down at her feet. He pressed back into the couch, trying to disappear from her view. Why? Why was she here?!  
  
Thornstriker looked up at the younger man when she lifted her head up. He looked so terrified of her, like she was going to hurt him. In a gentle, calm voice so that she wouldn’t scare him, she said softly, “May… May I sit here?” She gestured to the empty seat next to him.  
  
He opened his mouth, trying to find his voice, but to no avail. When he realized he couldn’t talk, he just nodded, scooting over a bit more than he needed to, pressing back against the couch armrest.   
  
The brunette sat down next to the bigger man, sitting up straight with her hands clenched her lap. It had been a while since they had sat so close next to each other. Since what he did to her, she didn’t want to sit near him and since he had found out what he did, he didn’t try to sit near her. They kept their distance… And she never would have guessed on how much it killed him.   
  
“How has your spring break been?” she asked softly, wanting to break the deafening silence.   
  
“F-Fine… Fine…” Bloodshed couldn’t look at her. His heart was pounding a mile a minute and his palms felt sweaty. What was she doing here? And they were alone… She was probably even more terrified than he was. He swallowed, trying to form a better response. “What… What about yours?”  
  
“Quiet,” she admitted. “I mean, I’m the only one in the house, so there isn’t a lot of noise… I had a lot of time to myself.”  
  
“Nebula not there?”  
  
“Well, sometimes she is, but she doesn’t stay for very long… Usually just to rest up and go out again.”   
  
“Oh.” But Bloodshed couldn’t think of what else to say, sitting there awkwardly as he rested his hands on his knees. Fuck, how he wished Bombrush hadn’t gone out to get food. He didn’t want to be with her alone! He didn’t deserve to even talk to her… Not after the horrible thing he did to her.   
  
Thornstriker looked up at the program he was watching. Or pretending to watch. She bit her bottom lip when she saw it was one of those bounty hunter shows. They currently had the fugitive pinned down to the ground, screaming and yelling at him.   
  
She glanced at the other before looking back at the screen. Was Bloodshed imagining himself as the criminal? For the crime he had committed? She wasn’t sure, but she didn’t like what the other was putting himself through. While he had done something horrible, she had forgiven him. She didn’t want him to punish himself like this…  
  
She rubbed her arm. She had been thinking hard these past few days. What she wanted to do, what she should do, what she could do. She didn’t want to be selfish, but she didn’t want to be hurt again. Yet, she didn’t want Bloodshed to suffer anymore either. He was her rapist, but he had been her best friend. She didn’t want to lose him, even if she was afraid of him.   
  
She reached for the remote and turned off the television, turning to look at the other who just continued to look at his hands. He was so wrapped in his thoughts that he didn’t even notice when things around him changed…  
  
“Bloodshed… Your father came over to the house a few days ago.”  
  
The other blinked and looked up at the other, surprised. His father? What for? “Why would he go there? I’ve been staying here.”  
  
“He… wanted to talk to me,” she said softly.   
  
Oh shit. His expression hardened a bit, glaring down at his feet as his hands balled up into fists. Damn it, what did the bastard say to her? “About what?”  
  
“You.”  
  
His eyes widened as he looked up at her, surprised. “Me?”  
  
“Y-Yes…” She bit her bottom lip, fearing his reaction. But she had to get this conversation started somewhere. She knew she had to start at the beginning. She swallowed and said softly, “He’s really worried about you. You… haven’t been yourself.”  
  
Bloodshed said nothing.  
  
She continued at the silence. “You… haven’t been eating properly. You… don’t go out or read like you used to do. Is that true?”  
  
He wanted to tell her no, but that would have been a lie. No, he hadn’t been eating right. No, he hadn’t been going out. No, he hadn’t been reading. He didn’t want to. He saw no reason to.   
  
He only nodded as he continued to avoid her gaze, not wanting to lie to her.   
  
"And... is it true that... you don't want to live?"  
  
His eyes widened at the question, looking abruptly at her. She wore a nervous, but serious face, telling him that she was honestly asking him the question. But he didn't know how to answer it. Didn't want to live? Who told her that?   
  
"Why would you think I-"  
  
"Bombrush told me that you told him about what you did to me last year."   
  
"What?" She flinched at the sudden anger in his voice, which he quickly took notice of and contained himself as best he could. He didn't want to scare her or make her think he would act out violently. "He... He what?"  
  
"He told me that he knows," she said softly, looking down at her hands. "He also told me that... even though I've forgiven you, you haven't forgiven yourself. He says you don't think you deserve it and you hate it when I say that it isn't your fault... Is that true?"  
  
Bloodshed said nothing at first. He was too upset to rationally answer this. How dare his father talk to her about this! She was just to forget about this! She was trying to move on with her life! Why would he bring that up? Was he trying to upset her? Was he trying to torture her? He would  _murder_  his father when he came home. This issue wasn't even about him! He had no right to interfere with this.   
  
It didn't help either that Bombrush knew him a bit too well on what he was feeling. He didn't want Thornstriker to know about this. He knew her - she would have only felt guilty and she would want to comfort him, despite her fear. She was so selfless that way... But he didn't want her to feel guilty. She had nothing to feel guilty for. He was the one who did all of this. This was no one's fault but his own.   
  
"I... I just can't," he murmured softly. "Thornstriker, I... I  _raped_  you." The word burned his tongue, leaving a vile taste in his mouth. "I... hurt you so badly... even though I love you... and even though you are my best friend..." He buried his face into his hands. "I don't deserve your forgiveness. Not after what hell I put you through."   
  
"But I want to give you my forgiveness," she insisted gently. "You were drunk, Bloodshed. It wasn't-"  
  
"But that entire year afterwards," he said, cutting her off as he took his hands from his face. His voice was dry and he looked so... broken. Like he was a shell of a man now and nothing more. "I... I continued to try to talk to you, try to get you to be with me... Selfishly asking you to hang out with me, obviously to the pain and the fear you were going through."  
  
"You didn't know."  
  
He shook his head. "It doesn't matter... I... I should have known. I should have figured it out sooner. But I didn't want to think that I had done something like that to you drunk... I wanted to think it was something else... I should have known. I should have known."   
  
He could still remember the morning after he committed such an awful sin. He had woken up naked, which confused him greatly. With Thornstriker the only other person in the house, he had approached her, noticing she was shaking and looking completely pale. When he asked what happened, she had told him, while trembling and never meeting his gaze, that he had gone straight to bed after he vomited on his and her clothes. She had taken their clothes to the laundry room to be washed.   
  
Like a fool, he didn't question it, even though he was worried as to why she was shaking. He would have asked, but his massive hangover headache had prevented him from doing so. Then she had said she had a lot of things to work on and locked herself in her room for the rest of the day.   
  
That should have been a dead giveaway. He should have seen the signs! But he dismissed them as nothing. He pretended as if nothing happened and harassed her for an entire year, oblivious to the horror and pain she had gone through. That he had put her through.  
  
He couldn't be forgiven. There was no way he could have been forgiven.   
  
"Bloodshed..."  
  
He turned to her, tears developing in the corner of his eyes. "He's right," he whispered softly. "I... I don't want to live. Not after knowing that I put you... my best friend... a woman I've been in love with for seven years... I put you through hell, Thornstriker. I just wanted to protect you and love you... And I go and get drunk and rape you...!"  
  
He buried his face into his hands again, shaking his head.  "Damn it..."  Thornstriker could barely hear him through his hands. "Damn it, why won't it all just go away? I just want it to end. I just want everything to end. I don't want to deal with anything anymore..."  
  
Thornstriker could only watch the younger man cave in on himself, now starting to cry. She was suddenly flashed back to the time when his mother died. It had been the only time she had ever missed school because she had chosen to spend the entire day with Bloodshed at the park. He was so upset, crying and talking about how he wanted it all to end. But the only reason why he didn't was because his mother had told him to love life in her suicide letter, one that he wanted to honor.  
  
There was nothing stopping him now though. In his mind, everything had been destroyed. There was no point in living. He wanted to end it. But she couldn't let that happen. She refused to let that happen.   
  
It was instinct. There wasn't any fear, any hesitation. She could only sit up on her knees, wrapping her arms around his head and pulling him to her chest, hugging him tightly as she stroked over his head, trying to get him to calm down.   
  
Bloodshed froze. He could feel her warmth, smell her scent. All things he could recall from before and that was what caused him to freak out.  
  
Strangely enough, comparing side by side Bloodshed's attempts to get away from her and Thornstriker's attempts to get away from him that night, one could almost say they were performing move for move.  
  
The arms around them made it difficult to get their arms up to push. Attempts to push away at the stomach made some space, but the grip on their upper backs would still not break. A hand would leave their head to keep the grip, allowing them to move their hands up and across the other's body to push at the shoulders. But Thornstriker's arms had not been strong enough; Bloodshed could not extend his arms out enough to push out any strength.   
  
Feeling the other draw them closer still, they tried anything to put something between them and the other's body.  Thornstriker's legs had only been opened up to be wrapped around a body; Bloodshed's legs could find no traction to get a stance and were too long to pull up to curl into.  
  
Their captor only held them close, determined to show the other just what they felt. Bloodshed held her close to him that night to show her his love. Thornstriker held him close to her to show him how much she wanted him to live.  
  
"Thornstriker, stop, please, I-"  
  
"Shh," she whispered softly. "It's all right, Bloodshed... It's all right."  
  
"Don't-"  
  
She could feel him try to push her at, still hearing his sobs. But she closed her eyes and only held onto him tighter. "Please don't push me away," she pleaded. "Please, Bloodshed... I... I want to do this." She was surprised at the sincerity in her voice. She wanted to hold him. She wanted him to know that she would be there for him. She wanted him to live.   
  
She shouldn't have been doing this. She was afraid of him... She was afraid of touching him! And ever since he found out what happened, he was afraid as well. He didn't want to hurt her, not again. He didn't deserve to touch her either. He couldn't allow himself to defile this angel ever again!  
  
"Please...! I don't want to hurt you again!"  
  
"You won't," she murmured softly, forcing back the memories that threatened to resurface. She just held him tighter. "You... You won't. Bloodshed... You love me. I... I understand that now. You would never want to hurt me... You never did. It was... an accident."   
  
“B-But I–”  
  
“I forgive you,” she said. “Even if you never forgive yourself. I forgive you, Bloodshed.”  
  
"How can you forgive me?!" he hissed, now gripping her arms. "I-I... I  _raped_  you! I-"  
  
"Because... You... You're my best friend," she murmured, a bit taken aback by the sincerity in her voice. After all of this, even though she was afraid of him and being touched by him, he was still her friend. Never once had he tried to hurt her again. Never once had he allowed himself to hurt her. The fear was there, but she could not just cast him aside. "You're still important to me... Please, Bloodshed... At least understand that."  
  
He said nothing for a few moments, just sitting there in her grasp quietly. He... was still her friend? He was important? Even after all of this? Even after the pain and suffering he put her through? Why was she so forgiving...? Why was she... such an angel?   
  
She pulled back from the hold, gently seizing his face. She couldn't help but to smile a little at the life in them, though they were wide and shocked like a little boy's eyes would be, tears falling down his face. "It's all right," she murmured softly. "Don't cry, Bloodshed... Don't cry..."  
  
But he couldn't stop the tears. He loved her. He loved her so much. He would do anything for her, so long as it meant her happiness. He just wanted her to be happy, to be safe. He loved her so much... And she had forgiven him. She had forgiven a monster like him. Because he was important to her. Because he was her best friend.  
  
"I'm sorry," he blurted out.  
  
"You don't-" Then she gasped as he suddenly wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into his chest. She froze and stiffened a bit in fright, but he did nothing more than bury his head into her shoulder, her shirt dampening up from his tears.  
  
"I love you," he sobbed out. "I love you so much... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." He just held her tighter, knowing that he should let her go but unable to do so. He could only hold her and cry, Thornstriker trying to calm him down as best as she could.  
  
She had gotten through to him. She had gotten him to understand.  
  
She couldn't be more thankful than she was now. 

* * *

Bombrush had come back home to find Thornstriker and Bloodshed sitting on the couch, talking to each other as if everything were normal. He was shocked, but relieved, considering his son looked like he had gotten some life back in him.   
  
Currently, they were all sitting down at the table, eating away at the food Bombrush had brought back. Thornstriker had chosen to sit next to Bloodshed, despite Bombrush's suggestion of him sitting between him and her. She was even sharing some of her food to the other.   
  
He was a bit confused. She was being so... friendly toward him. So open. And to think that three days ago, she had still been blaming herself with what had happened to her. He didn't know what had happened while he had been gone, but whatever the two had talked about really had a helping hand in the space between them. While he did notice that she didn't try to touch him and that she wasn't trying to sit that close to him, indicating she was still afraid of him, he could only be relieved that it wasn't as bad as before.   
  
Bombrush glanced over at his son, relief running through him. He looked so much more... alive. When Thornstriker would say something to him, he would smile or give a soft chuckle. When she offered him food, he would gladly accept it and even take it right off her plate. Just like he used to do when they were younger. But, despite his more open nature with the girl, Bloodshed was also making sure not to touch her or get too close. When the boy reached over to grab a napkin, his hand almost touched hers and he flinched back.   
  
There was still that presence of fear between the two of them. But Bombrush was just happy that they could look at each other now. He didn't have to worry about his son falling off the edge. Thornstriker would keep him grounded. She would keep him sane.   
  
"Thank you for the food, Bombrush."  
  
He was pulled from his thoughts, looking up at the girl who simply smiled at him. He cleared his throat and gave a small smile back. "Of course. You are a guest in my house. I will feed you while you're here."  
  
Thornstriker sighed as she put down her fork. "Bombrush... I told Bloodshed that you came over to my house and asked for me to... stay by his side."  
  
The older man said nothing, glancing over at his son who just looked at the British woman.   
  
"And... I think I've come to decision."  
  
Both men in the room tensed up a bit.  
  
She looked to the older man. "Bombrush, I... understand what you were doing when you came to ask me to stay with Bloodshed after graduation. I was unaware of his condition and I'm glad that you let me know what was going on with your son."  
  
"But..." She paused. She thought long and hard about the blank check she had given back to him. She couldn't possibly tell Bloodshed that his father had tried to pay her to stay with him. Knowing her friend, he would probably go after his father for treating her like paid services. "I want this to be of my own accord. I know that you were trying to do what you thought you needed to do to save him. But I must... I have to do this because it's what I want."  
  
Taking a deep breath, her face turned red as she turned to her best friend. "Bloodshed, do you want to live with me after graduation?"  
  
Neither man moved. Bombrush could only stare at his son, who looked down at the girl with wide eyes and with his mouth slightly agape. What... What did she just say? Him live with... her? After graduation? He couldn't believe it. In fact, for a moment, he thought he was dreaming.   
  
They had just barely reconciled. He had just snapped out of his death-like state from finding out what he had done to her and now she was asking him to move in with him. Into a house by themselves. Almost the exact same scenario that he had... forced himself on her in junior year. She was willing to put herself at risk again with the same scenario that had ended up with him doing _that_  to her. Did she understand what she had just asked of him?  
  
Thornstriker didn't know what to do. Bombrush looked okay, though still in shock by the suddenness of her question. And Bloodshed... the man looked like he was about to relapse again. Had she been too sudden with her question? Perhaps she should have broken him into it.  
  
"Bloodshed." She didn't really need to get his attention as he was still staring at her wide eyed, but she needed to give herself some courage to continue. "I'm not just doing this because I want to make sure you have something to live for. I do, but I want you to move in with me after graduation because..."  
  
She pursed her lips. "Because I want to live with you. You are my best friend... And I want to live with someone I... I can... trust. So... Would you like to live with me after graduation?"  
  
“B-But I… I…” Bloodshed couldn’t think of how to say no. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to. He so very badly wanted to agree to live with her. But… he didn’t deserve to live with her. Not after the pain he put her through.   
  
“Bloodshed?”  
  
“I… I don’t… I did–”  
  
“Bloodshed, why not give it a try?”  
  
Both college students looked to the older man, who had his chin rested in his hands. Bloodshed seemed baffled by the sudden comment, not even knowing how to retort. Thornstriker just seemed surprised that he had spoken.  
  
“She wants to live with you,” he said, glancing at Thornstriker before looking back at his son. “This is her decision, Bloodshed… And she has decided that she wants to live with you. I’m sure you wouldn’t truly hate it.”  
  
Bloodshed frowned, looking down at the table. “You don’t know anything.”  
  
“Frankly, Bloodshed, I do.” He stood up and walked over to Thornstriker, resting his hands on her shoulders. “You love her. We all know you do.”  
  
Thornstriker blushed brightly, looking down at her hands while Bloodshed turned to glare at him  
  
Bombrush continued. “And we all know that you want to protect her. That you want to be near her. I know you still blame yourself, Bloodshed, and I know you will probably for the rest of your life.” Then he huffed, shaking his head. “But if you can’t forgive and forget, then just try to move forward.”  
  
“How can I–”  
  
“Because  _she_  wants you to.”  
  
Bloodshed said nothing, his gaze turning to Thornstriker who just looked back up at him. She bit her bottom lip as she nodded, never breaking eye-contact with him.   
  
Bombrush gave a soft smile, releasing the woman’s shoulders. “I’ll give you two some privacy,” he murmured softly, walking out of the kitchen.   
  
They only stared at each other for a few moments. She wanted to move forward and she wanted Bloodshed to move forward with her. She still loved Bloodshed as a friend. He was precious to her, even if her feelings weren’t the same as his.  
  
“Bloodshed…” she murmured softly. “Please… I want to live with you. I want things to be the way there before all of this… Please…? Will you live me…? Please?”  
  
His throat suddenly felt dry. He wanted to live with her. He so very badly wanted to live with her. He always wanted to be there for her. He wanted to cherish her, protect her, love her… But he didn’t deserve this. None of it.  
  
Yet, he couldn’t say no to the desperate look on her face. She truly wanted to live with him, to be with him after graduation. Even though he had done such horrible things to her… Even though he had made her suffer terribly…   
  
“Thornstriker?”  
  
She looked up, eyes widening when he gently stretched out his hands to hers. She could see him trembling slightly, meaning that he was just as afraid to touch her as she was to be touched by him. But she gave him her hands, bit her bottom lip as he held them.   
  
But she was not expecting him to bend down and gently kiss her knuckles. She tensed in surprise, staring at him with wide eyes. “Bl-Bloodshed?”  
  
“I swear,” he murmured softly, still holding her hands as he was bent over, kissing her delicate hands in his strong ones. “I… I’ll protect you. I will always protect you… Even from myself. I swear, I won’t mess up again… I’m sorry I did that to you… But… But I will protect you… I promise…”  
  
Thornstriker blushed. She already knew this, but just hearing him say it… She was so overwhelmed by his love for her. She didn’t understand why he loved her as much as she did. She wondered if she ever would.   
  
“Then… C-Can I hold you up to that?”  
  
Bloodshed blinked, looking up at the woman. His eyes widened when he saw her smiling down at him gently, her cheeks still red. When he allowed her words to process through his mind, he gave a soft smile back and nodded.  
  
“Yeah… You can.”  
  
Bombrush was right. Bloodshed needed to move forward. He needed to move on from this, even if he could never forgive himself for it. But, maybe with her, he could… move forward. He needed to. If not for his sake, then for hers. For her, he would do anything.  
  
He would always do anything for her.


End file.
